Thursday, October 21, 2021

On the death of a porn star; Amber Rayne

 By Steve Otto

I think probably most men watch some kind of porno at least some time in their life. I'm no different, but unlike some people, I admit it openly. As  a Marxist I have had to deal with people, of both sexes, who deny that sex workers can unionize because they believe that any kind of sex work should be eliminated from our society and any other society. I may be a Maoist, but I also have some libertarian views on many issues. For example I don't review comments left on my blogs because I whole heartedly believe in free speech. That differs from a lot of Marxist who do review comments before they allow them on their blogs.

As with sex workers, I oppose laws against pornography, prostitution and strippers. That has got me some nasty comments from other Marxists. I have been told that I can't be a Marxist and hold those views. I've been told that just having those views is the same as promoting those activities. Some Marxists have insisted that I must be actively doing those things. And for the record I some times surf porn, but I don't use prostitutes. I believe what consenting adults do is their own business. I know that prostitution has been illegal in Cuba since the start of the revolution and yet I met some prostitutes during my visit there. And no, I did not use their services even though I ate pizza and drank beer with them.

I do have a Maoist blog that gets views from all over the world and for many months I get as many as 800 or more hits and that includes many countries around the world. I get as many as 60 hits or more from some of those countries, such as England, South Korea and Germany. So I do have credentials as a Maoist. I am a Marxist, Maoist and I support many parties, groups and people around the world. So I'm not worried about Marxist who oppose my views on this or any other subject.

So the other day I was looking at some sites on the subject of gang bangs. There are some kinds of porno that I really don't like. Any time someone looks like they are in pain or being abused I'm not interested or impressed. But I came across a gang bang video by a women who I found out later was named Amber Rayne. Most of the time, women in gang bang films look like victims. They may not really be victims, but it looks that way. That wasn't the case of  Rayne. She was clearly in charge of the film and the men who were trying to be in it. She came off as a dominating woman and I had to admire that. She was no victim and if anything, some of the guys were. Most gang bang movies are not like that.

So I became curious. What other things does this woman do? What is she really like?

I found out she is part of the BDSM community, which a lot of us know as S and M. But I read this does not always mean pain. It can also include people who like domination, to dominate or be dominated. Her original name was Meghan Elizabeth Wren. She had been a movie and TV show extra before becoming an adult movie star.

Then came the real shocker. At the end of the article I was reading it said that she died on April 2, 2016, at the age of 31. She died from an overdose of alcohol and cocaine. Most of the time, if a person does too much cocaine they get a hart attack and then pass out. It does not seem like a pleasant way to die, as opposed to narcotics in which the users just passes out and dies.

As much as I used to enjoy drugs and alcohol[1] (I still drink somewhat) it does turn out to be lethal for some people. So we know she liked using cocaine and drinking alcohol, but that one time she did too much and it ended her life early.

I don't usually find a porn star to be that interesting. The last time I did was when I was still using My Space and I made friends with a porn star who did all her own business management. She owned her own film production company. I have always admired women who are powerful, take charge and aggressive. That is if they are not right-wing jerks like Margaret Thatcher.

When it comes to any actors, they live in Hollywood, or at least in California. They are usually inaccessible. That meant I had virtually no chance of ever meeting her. Still, she was interesting. And if I want to admire her, that is my business.

[1] See Steve Otto, Memoirs of a Drugged-Up, Sex-Crazed Yippie, (AuthorHouse, Bloomington Indian, 2005).

Tuesday, September 21, 2021

A nation of vindictive psychopaths who enjoy looking down on others and delivering pain, judgementalism and misery

 By Steve Otto

I called my lawyer today and his secretary told me that my driving license is in greater parrel than I originally thought. So now I find out that I can't legally drive for a whole year. I can drive with restrictions after 45 days, but only to work and a few other places. No going to bars. No going on dates. I just lost my wife and now the government is going to ruin my life for the next year.

If this was just a safety issue the legislators would go after those who are on their phones, get distracted and cause accidents. They are just as bad as those who drink and drive. So why not take their license away for a year and give them a permanent record that can’t be erased under any circumstance. Why not charge them a few thousand dollars and at the same time deny them the ability to pay those fines due to the fact that they can’t drive to work. In other words, ruin their lives.

I keep hearing that drunk drives kill all these people, but how many of these killers are just a little over the limit. Usually I hear about people being at least twice the legal limit when the cause bad accidents. Drunk driving laws are nothing more than a reflection of vindictive fuck-heads who just can’t satisfy their desire for bitter vengeance. They don’t want justice, they want revenge or they just plain enjoy destroying other people’s lives. They are psychopaths. I’m sick of living in a country where these people (if they even deserve to be called that) enjoy dishing out pain and suffering on others. I deeply despise these kinds of people who back such kinds of laws. Most of these people are judgmental and enjoy looking down on others. They really enjoy attacking those who have problems with alcohol. Most of these people seem assured that THEY will never be caught driving under the influence of alcohol. They are above this.

At least two people have told me it is likely I will never find any women for a relationship, I will never again get laid. The way things are looking, that seems like a good possibility.

As a widower, people keep telling me I should avoid just staying in the house all day. They suggest I spend time with friends. I should socialize and not become withdrawn and isolated. With no ability to drive I'm going be spending a lot of time here at the house. Socializing will be nearly impossible. Going to political events—nearly impossible. My life is going to be a living hell over the next year. And it is likely to be a long and slow year.

This is like house arrest. It's not much different than being in jail. My life just seems to get worse everyday. Maybe I can find some way to move in town and get a room or something. Living out here in this desolate whole in the ground is just like being in Hell. There is little difference. I don’t believe in Hell or the afterlife. But life can be a living hell.

I would love to live somewhere else. This is a nation of vindictive shit-heads, people who I have no respect for. They respect no one but themselves. And they shed crocodile tears over the victims of car crashes. They blather on and on about drunk drivers committing murder—what these vindictive people do is little better.

Just recently, at a political meeting of young people, many from the black community, people where asking, “who gets all of this money?” It does not go to help the people in the black community. In my opinion it is greed, pure and simple. It is also hypocrisy.

There are those in this life who deserve murder and punishment!!! They are better at dishing it out that taking it in themselves.

Wednesday, September 01, 2021

Today is Cam’s birthday—a time to reflect on her passing

 By Steve Otto

It is hard to imagine anything more negative than losing a spouse to the grim reaper. I married Cam more than 37 years ago. It was a very successful marriage. We had a few problems and we went through some rough times. But we stayed together and our relationship endured.

Of all the things to happen in my life, Cam was probably one of the best, if not THE best thing, in my life. My success as a writer has been marginal—same way with my career (if I can call it that). So at least I was married to a good wife. She was smart and successful—way more successful that I have been.

I remember a friend of mine complaining that he didn’t get the career he wanted, the money he wanted, the fame or even the wife he really wanted. At least I was never disappointed in the wife I ended up with. That part of my life has not sucked. I felt bad that my friend felt he didn’t get the wife he wanted. I’m not sure why he felt a need to settle for a wife he didn’t want. But that was his problem and not mine.

Today would have been her 72nd birthday. We usually didn’t do much for her birthday, in the last few years of our lives together. I always got her some kind of present. We used to have a little party or celebration of some kind, but in the last few years I bought her a gift and she was too sick to go out anywhere.

It really sucks when I realized that sitting in our living room is all we would ever expect to do together for the rest of our lives. No more trips to other countries or even states or cities or to see Ethan at his home. All the good times where behind us and we both knew it. We have had a good life together. We visited our friend Mark Davis in Spain one year. We went to places he knew about all over his home-town of Madrid. With Mark we also went to some nude beaches, saw some other towns and land marks such as a 2,000 year old Mosque. The three of us went all over Spain. Cam and I went together to see the Bask lands by ourselves. All three of us spent a day in Algiers, Morocco. That was the most repressive country I think we ever visited.

We went to Canada for a day during our honey-moon. We spent most of our honey-moon at Mackinac Island in Lake Huron. Except for our trip to Spain, she and I had both been to Europe, although not together.

When Cam’s parents died, she lost most of her enthusiasm for Christmas and other holidays. She got along well with most of her family members and it was her idea to be buried near her parents in a Lawrence cemetery. I really don’t care where we get buried, although that is a nice cemetery and much better than Resthaven. She really hated Resthaven.

Around my house I have kept some mementos to remind me of Cam. I just recently framed and hung a Hillary Clinton poster that Cam had saved. She supported Hillary, not only because we both hated Trump and wanted him to lose, but Hillary reminded Cam of the kinds of feminist politicians she grew up on. We had slightly different political views, but we both understood each other and where we came from. Cam understood my admiration for Chiang Ching (江青), representing both feminism, which Cam really liked, and my support for Marxism. So I hung the poster to remind me of Cam. I didn’t like Hillary as much as she did, but the poster reminds me of her.

When my own birthday comes I probably won’t do much more than I am doing today. Maybe next year will look better than this one. I really don’t know what to expect.

This ends a major chapter in my life. 37 years is as long time and was a large part of both our lives. Some of our friends think that retirement from Cam’s job is what brought her down. That happens to a lot of people. Tim Pouncey’s dad died a year after he retired. I have heard of a lot of other people who have died a year or so after they retired. At least Cam lived more than a year. So Cam may be one more victim of retirement. She died at 71 years of age. She has outlived a few of our friends, but it would have been nice to have her for a few more years.

Here we are at a Halloween Party.

Sunday, August 22, 2021

I lose my license thanks to that lying cop

By Steve Otto

I went to court last Friday. I had to sit there and listen to that sack of shit lying Cop, Shoopman Q., lie about me. He claimed all kinds of lies as to why he checked me for DUI. He said I fumbled my insurance papers around and I always have problems fumbling those papers around. That has nothing to do with me being sober or not. He said my speech was slurred and I was stumbling around. My brother told me he saw nothing about my movements to indicate that I was drunk. So, I had to sit there ands listen to that cop lie about me.

My lawyer said there was nothing we could do because I blew .12 on his stupid meter. The judge immediately suspended my license. It goes out of affect on September 20. So after that date I won’t be able to dive my car. I don’t know if I can keep my jobs because my brother john will be my only transportation. If he don’t take me forget it.

So my rain of bad luck continues.

Pix by When Police Caught Lying, the Spin ...

Monday, August 09, 2021

One hell of a crappy year


By Steve Otto

This has got to be one of the worst, if not the worst, year of my life. Cam died in January. A month later a women hit my car and that caused cops to crawl all over me and I got busted for DUI. I thought I was sober, but no. The breathalyzer came back about .097. And the cops who busted me are chomping at the bit to take away my drivers license. I’m sure they want a conviction also.

Next I fell down a flight of steps at work. That cracked the skin on my head open and I damaged my shoulder and surrounding areas. The USD259 School System agreed to finance my recovery including an operation coming up this Wednesday. For about the last 4 years I have been using opium poppy tea that I get from the internet. Since I’m having an operation, I told the doctors nurse about it. She said to cut back as much as can or if possible, stop all together. They also told the school system who then made me take a drug test. They knew it would be possible, but they said they can overlook it if it’s not that high. I haven’t heard back from them yet. I may still lose my job.   

So after 4 years of addiction to Opium, I tried to kick the habit. It has not been easy. I have continued to keep reducing use, but completely abstaining is really hard. When I do, I definitely feel uneasy and creepy. I can drink to help control that, but it is not that easy to stay drunk for 24 hours—at least not for me.

I have tried to do some dating, including signing up for, a dating site. So far I just waisted my money. I have heard that it can take 70 women or more before I guy finds the one. So dating for me has been a dismal nightmare. The bar scene in Wichita is really bad most of the time. Finding single women by themselves is not easy. And bar hoping in general is expensive and so far, leads to nothing.

So far this year things have been awful. I hope it doesn’t get any worse, but who knows—it sure can get worse. I’m sick of living where I need a car. I want to move into Wichita where I can walk to places I want to go. My brother walks to Judy’s which is a pretty nice bar. I got to change things. My attempt to rebuild my widower life is not going well. We’ll see what happens.

Pix by The Etymology of 'Shit' |

Wednesday, July 28, 2021

A glimmer of hope in a sea of shittyness—my search for the perfect woman—or just a female schmuck continues.

 By Steve Otto

This morning I was at Dudley’s, or as I call it, the little bar. An older woman came up to me and joked around with me. I didn’t know her. She told me she is married and her husband would kill her if he knew what she was doing. The important here is that after all this time, since my wife died, someone paid attention to me.

What was interesting is that this woman was very old—almost too old for me. But it seems like, since my wife died, older women my own age or older look through me like I’m made of glass. The only women to pay any attention to me at all have been a few that I have met in some bars and one that I met at a march and they are all way  younger than me. I still haven’t had a date, but at least a few women have talked to me.

I have been going to Elite Singles, a web site that tries to match people up with people their own age. And how many dates have I got in the last month? “Zero!” And that damn thing cost me money. Either I’m repulsive to other women, the site just really sucks or both. I’m guessing it’s a little of both.

Since my wife died in January I have been very alone—and I do mean VERY ALONE, since then. I am 66 years old and not as charming as I was in my 40s and 30s. And I can’t help that. I actually look better than a lot of people my age. And don’t count my insides because I would really look shitty if people could see inside me.

Yes—I hope some day I have sex again. I think that is reasonable to want. I don’t have any reason to not have sex and for all of those women who say the don’t really want or need sex, don’t hook up with me. AIN’T gonna work!!!

I have met one woman on line and I already dumped her as a friend, but I’m changing my mind about her and I may visit here in Ohio because I’m bored and alone. She is like that woman and the Woody Allen character in the movie “Play it again Sam.”

He says “what are you doing Saturday?” She answers “I’m committing suicide.” He then says “What about Friday?” She walks away.

So this trip I might take is pure insanity but what do I have to lose from it? I’m bored and alone—emphasis on bored. What is the worst that can happen?  I can’t imagine anything that bad happening. And if I end up frustrated and humiliated once again, did I really miss anything? I don’t think so.

So for all those who don’t like reading this—fuck it. And by that what I really mean is “unfuck it.”[1]

[1] Lenny Bruce: "Fuck you." Never understood that insult, because fucking someone is actually really pleasant. If we're trying to be mean, we should say "unfuck you!"


Monday, July 26, 2021

Normality is here at last!


By Steve Otto

It has been over a month since I got back from Black's Beach in San Diego. That bartender, I had talked to  was right when she said that If I didn’t make it to that beach, I would regret it the rest of my life. She was right.

Since I got back from that place, I haven’t though much about nude beaches or getting nude in public. For this year, my nudity quotient has been satisfied.

I sat briefly (and I do mean real briefly) naked on a beach. I saw other people, men and women, sitting naked at a beach. I was naked—I saw naked people. And since I got back, I have not thought much about nakedness. For that I feel grateful. Maybe next year I will need a naked fix—but this year I’m OK.

Pix by Nude Beach in San Diego ...