Artsy Fartsy (អាភៀន): Journal entry

By សតិវ អតុ

I realize I have to quit drinking, but this program I’m in is real whack-job. Tonight we heard a man on a film talk about spending the first 6 months getting sober. So far I’m the only patient in this group who has admitted to any relapses and the guy in the film said a lot of people—maybe most of them—will relapse a few times before they become permanently sober.

Then he talks about taking 11 years to become a normal person with a normal functioning brain. I will be 71 in 11 years. The film guy also said I would have to change my attitude and way of thinking and learn to grow and develop. I’m 59. How much growing and developing do I have the time left to do? I’m facing retirement. I’m tired of trying to develop a new career. I’m not interested in changing my life around. I just want to find some stability.

Some of these patients are young and talk about dumping all their friends most of whom they got high or drunk with.

“I deleted all my friends from Hays College,” said Mick, who was at the meeting tonight. He dumped most of his friends. He talked of avoiding people and places where he knew people might be drinking alcohol or using drugs. Bob said he will leave his wife if she drinks around him again.

“I’m setting boundaries,” as he described a some-what “line in the sand.” Most ever one agreed with him. He would dump his marriage over his wife drinking anything.

All of this seems so radical and final. I spent years developing friendships. T. and I have a lot in common, such as our careers and writing interests. We are about the same age and going through the same personal and medical problems. I won’t just drop all my friends because they drink. I’m too old to do that. There was a guy tonight who plans on staying away from his job because he believes it will trigger him to go off the wagon. I can see wanting to avoid triggers that lead to using, but avoiding a job seems extreme and just plain wrong.

Then there is the idea that any drug is as bad as drinking. Some young patients tonight, talked about avoiding pot smoking because they believed it would lead to drinking. I don’t like to smoke pot as I used to but I would not have agreed to stop at their age. Also, I have a hard enough time deciding I don’t want to drink anymore. I feel confident that I no longer want to try and get drunk. But the idea that I will never get high on anything? I still can’t imagine that. I can’t imagine turning down ក or turning down a chance to drink ភៀន tea. I just really can’t imagine that I would give up those things that make me feel good.